Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless