Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed