“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*