Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party