I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors