If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.