Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha