You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Note to self: always read the final line
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.