I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
#Caturday
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”