He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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I only treason on days ending in y
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.