20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.