Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
…u ok Nintendo?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Not today. 😅
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.