As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
dutch is not a serious language
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”