People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Brilliant!
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
This dude got his own movie?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
How did we not see this back then?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious