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ME: Oh no.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
#Caturday
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
mmm onion ringos
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.