Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me