exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend