I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
How all things should be taught/explained.