The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Money is the root of all wealth
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.