“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…