teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
You Might Also Like
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.