Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
May have had one breakfast too many
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Boom, boom, ching!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red