A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.