[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away