PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
just having fun
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire