There’s always that one guy
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?