When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.