My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The Sun
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Does this dress make me look cat?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future