Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Growing out my freckles.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.