[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.