Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board