Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
You Might Also Like
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!