Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I have a type: disappointing
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
How your email finds me
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.