Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?