pep talk
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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
These are too funny not to post 😂
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
#Caturday
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.