My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*