ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
#Caturday
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?