[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
listen closely
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend