Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.