GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”