me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
okay run it by me one more time
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.