Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl