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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind