Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You Might Also Like
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
mumsnet is amazing
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself