Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me in tagged photos
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.