It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
men, we mow at sunrise.
early stone age tool
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?