You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Lmao 🤣
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.