scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
tinder is all about the long game
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
dutch so unserious
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.