Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.