What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.